This post was updated on Nov 29, 2022
Having endured years of challenges, you probably expect instant relief from the constant drama with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. Nevertheless, as you’ve probably realized, it’s not that easy. Having a healthy divorce isn’t an impossible venture, especially when you both agree to move on with your life and leave the resentment behind.
However, dealing with divorce guilt and resentment can be difficult, and people choose different ways to cope with it. That being said, some approaches are simply unhealthy or not worthwhile, and can stem from unresolved personal issues in the past.
One way to avoid further misunderstanding and to heal is to find an effective means of communication during the process. Keep on reading to learn how to part ways somewhat peacefully and keep the conversation open during the process.
How Do You End A Marriage Peacefully?
Prospects of an amicable divorce largely depend on your willingness to let go of the past resentment, the readiness to take responsibility for your own actions, and the acceptance of your own and the independence of your spouse. You may enter this process of separation without actually aiming to end your marriage, yet you may suddenly realize that it’s the best thing to do. Either way, the key to a peaceful separation lies in communication.
Try to set some ground rules to keep your communication flowing smoothly. Consider the following tips:
Avoid Unnecessary Communication
You may tend to reach out to your ex too often or try to get in touch with them when it’s not necessary. While this may be your way of dealing with the guilt or pain, it can have an adverse effect on your spouse, especially if they need some time apart. If you still want to communicate with your spouse, make sure to do it only when it’s absolutely necessary. This is typically if you have a history of bitter arguments. If you have children together, come up with a plan you both agree on to spend time with them separately and if you can, also with them together.
Pick The Best Mode Of Communication
Some people prefer to communicate in person, while others find it easier to communicate via text message or email. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to choosing the best mode of communication. It all depends on what works best for you and your ex-spouse. AND, you will most likely need to compromise.
Reduce Your Time On Social Media
Social media can be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it allows you to stay in touch with your friends and family members who live far away. On the other hand, it can be a major source of drama, particularly if you’re going through a divorce.
If you find yourself spending too much time on social media, it may be time to take a break. This will not only provide you with some much-needed self-care, it will also assist you in avoiding any unpleasant conflict with your ex-spouse. And, whatever you do, be healthy and refrain from mentioning the divorce or challenges on social media for anyone to see. This can really harm a family system.
Avoid Arguments And Angry Outbursts
When you’re communicating with your ex-spouse, it’s important to avoid any arguments or angry exchanges of words. If you find yourself getting upset, take a step back and calm down before continuing the conversation.
You don’t have to agree on everything. In fact, it’s perfectly normal to disagree on certain things, especially when you’re going through a marital breakup. What’s important is that you remain respectful of each other’s opinions and try to find a compromise that works for both of you.
Stop Digging Up The Past
If you want to move on from your divorce, it’s important to stop dwelling on the past. This means that you need to avoid bringing up old arguments or disagreements. It’s also important to let go of any resentment or bitterness that you may be feeling, even when infidelity has contributed to your split.
Holding onto negativity will only hinder your ability to communicate effectively. Consider the bigger picture and keep your mind on the future, regardless of how uncertain it may seem.
Keep Other Family Members Out Of It
When you’re getting divorced, it’s important to keep your family members out of the loop. Avoid involving them in any arguments or disagreements that you may have with your ex-spouse. If you have children, it’s also important to pick an adequate way to talk about divorce with them and minimize the shock it may produce.
Can You Talk To Your Spouse During A Divorce?
Talking to each other is key to keeping things civil and honest. However, if there are still too many painful things that need to be addressed and resolved, it might be wise to proceed with caution. If your conversations used to be centered around confrontation, anger, and shaming, you may need some time to step back and take a deep breath.
What Do You Talk About During A Divorce?
It might make sense to write a list of topics you can discuss without repeating the cycle of negative exchange. Although there might be some topics that are off-limits, in general, you may try to communicate with your ex-spouse about the following:
- Your schedule, custody, and parenting plan
- Financial concerns
- Legal aspects of your divorce
- Emotional support for yourself and your children
If you’re having difficulty communicating with your ex-spouse, you may want to consider hiring a mediator. A mediator is a neutral third party who can assist you in resolving any disagreements that you may have. Another option is to let your lawyers do the talking. This can be beneficial if you’re not able to have a civil conversation with your ex-spouse.
Should You Stay In Touch With Your Ex?
The question of whether it’s good or bad to end all contact with your ex also depends on the nature of your relationship. If you have separated or divorced on amicable terms and have to share parental responsibilities, it is typically best to have a channel of communication open. If your relationship was and still is fraught with anxiety, guilt, avoidance, and toxic behavior in general, it might be better to keep a healthy distance.
Can You Be Friends After Getting Divorced?
Finally, it’s important to ask yourself if you can be friends with your ex after getting divorced. In some cases, it may be possible to develop a friendship, whereas in other cases, it might be best to move on and focus on your own life.
The decision of whether or not to be friends with your ex is a personal one. There is no right or wrong answer. You’ll need to decide what’s best for you, based on your own situation and relationship.
Can I Get Help Dealing With Divorce Guilt From a Relationship Coach Online?
Finding a healthy way to communicate, and to have a constructive, adult conversation, rather than delve into conflict isn’t likely to be learned overnight. When you want to PIVOT from your old ways and lead a more fulfilling life, our relationship coaches can help you with individual coaching in a live or online setting. We also have ample experience helping couples with a number of intensive workshops aimed at restoring intimacy in their relationship, improving their communication, or helping them accept their differences.
If you’re going through divorce trauma, or can’t let go of the resentment and grief, you don’t have to be a victim of your circumstances. Give us a call and we’ll accompany you on your journey to recovery.