People date for different reasons. Some want to have fun and just get out of the house. But for those who are looking for a partnership, are you dating with a purpose?
Dating with a purpose is reserved for people who are making a concerted effort to find out if there is enough compatibility to sustain a healthy relationship which includes romantic love, excitement, getting along and a future together. In other words, dating with a purpose is like interviewing someone for the most important role in his or her life as your partner.
Putting together a solid dating plan is not easy. It takes effort, patience, self-discipline and the wisdom of others who have gone through this process and been successful.
Since dating with a purpose is one of the most important things you will do in life, We have created a list of things one should look for in a relationship…
- Honesty that engenders trust.
- Readiness for a relationship (both partners).
- The willingness to negotiate or compromise.
- Self-awareness—this means both partners knowing who they are and what they want.
- Self-esteem—this means both partners feeling for the most part, “good” about who they are.
- Communication skills:
- Asking for what you want, but not being addicted to getting it.
- Fighting fair. (This means expressing your opinion without attacking the other person).
- Reporting your feelings.
- Saying what you mean (not beating around the bush).
- Listening – let them have their voice.
- Sexual compatibility. This means similar values and preferences.
- There should be recognition of the family of origin history:
- Childhood wounds will probably be triggered and sensitivity strategies must be created.
- Rituals from your family of origin must be re-negotiated and new rituals created as a
- And, finally, that the wounded inner child and adolescent must be kept in check. (In other words, love your inner child, but don’t give him or her the keys to the car).
If you have no idea what this means or would like to learn more, get in touch with a coach at PIVOT and complete the Survival Patterns before you continue to date!
- Similar (but not necessarily identical) values about such issues as money, religion, monogamy, and parenting. This avoids needless conflict. Still, you don’t have to agree about everything—just what’s important to you.
- Patience and tolerance, but you should never tolerate abuse.
- It is important to accept the fact that there will be days when the relationship seems very ordinary or even boring. Many people tend to have an “all or nothing” mentality. They either want a relationship to be exciting all the time, or they live with unbearable pain rather than move on. Healthy relationships are sometimes lukewarm.
- The willingness to substitute “influencing” for “controlling.” This means:
- Saying something once and then letting it go.
- It also means being a role model instead of nagging someone to change.
- The willingness to keep your personality boundaries (even when you feel like losing yourself in the other person). This is how we maintain our self-esteem.
- Devotion. How can an intimate relationship feel good if we aren’t special to each other.
- Quality time together. At the same time, you want to set aside time for personal interests. Look for balance.
- Knowing when to stay and when to leave. This means staying when things are going well (and you feel like running), and being willing to let go of the relationship if it is unhealthy.
- It is also important to have compatibility and “ease” in a relationship. At the same time it must be understood that no relationship is perfect. (Compatibility comes from being alike or from having a high tolerance for your partner’s differences).
- Respect and admiration, but there should also be an understanding that your partner will not always look good to you.
- Reciprocity (give and take), but you should also be willing to make sacrifices now and then.
- Realistic expectations about how much of your happiness should come from the relationship—not too much and not too little.