Losing Attraction: What Causes It & Can You Regain It?

This post was updated on Sep 5, 2023

Losing attraction in a relationship can be completely disheartening, as most people consider it the first sign of the romance fading. Sometimes the loss of attraction seems like it is because of the differences in sex drives between you and your partner, and all you need to do is communicate your problems to your partner clearly, and the issues should go away.

However, there are often times when the loss of attraction is only the surface of a larger problem. Perhaps your partner has been emotionally distant recently which, in turn, has made your self esteem low, causing you to struggle with attraction. Maybe your partner’s been dishonest with you, which prevents you from being able to physically connect with your partner. Or you’re lacking the necessary emotional support that would make you enjoy intimacy.

Whatever the underlying issues that have resulted in the loss of attraction between you and your romantic partner, they need to be addressed. The best way to tackle them is always to turn to relationship intimacy coaching that can surely help you resolve any intimacy problems you have in your relationship. But, before that, let’s take a look at why you’ve lost attraction, and how you can regain it.

Is It Normal To Lose Attraction To Your Partner?

Can You Love Someone And Not Be Sexually Attracted?

When a romantic relationship starts, there is usually a magnetic attraction to your partner. Everything feels new, every kiss is fresh and full of passion, every intimate encounter fiery, it seems as though the raw physical attraction will never disappear.

However, that kind of initial allure is, realistically, not sustainable in the long term. It is completely normal for feelings that you have for your partner to take on a form different from the raw desire and sense of intense sexual attraction that comes with the novelty of new intimacy.

However, completely losing attraction to your partner feels like turning the faucet too far in the opposite way. The flames of long term relationships are expected to subside, but when they extinguish, it is hard for partners to stay connected. You might have started taking the initial attraction for granted, thinking it would last forever. But relationships require work, even in the intimate department. 

That is why you should address loss of attraction to your partner. Sometimes, it’s something you can work on through considerate conversation, while other instances require relationship coaching or couples therapy. Depending on the cause of the lost attraction, the methods for resolving the problem differ.

What Causes Loss Of Attraction?

It can be very emotionally draining when you notice that you’re less attracted, or when you notice that your partner may not be feeling attracted to you. The first step in reigniting the old flame is to try to understand what is going on between the two of you in your relational dynamics and emotional intimacy. Only once you become aware of the reason can you start working on the solution.

The best way to discover why the loss of attraction has happened is to consult an experienced relationship coach who can help you uncover what it is that made you start looking at your partner with different eyes. There are many factors behind losing attraction but some of the most common causes are:

  • Harbored anger – Holding on to resentment and anger can quickly turn to loss of attraction towards your partner. When a person is putting on a mask and hiding anger, they may not feel attracted to their partner. The distance can breed resentment that adds to the stored anger.
  • Communication deterioration – Have you and your partner started talking more and more in practical terms, and less and less about the emotionally intimate subjects that matter? The lack of adequate communication can lead to loss of attraction.
  • Failure to share activities – As your relationship lasts, most couples may tend to fall into a routine. Busy couples may stop having new adventures, and a long term partnership may mean you stop interacting in new and fresh ways. This lack of fresh activities can lead to you starting to lose attraction to your significant other.
  • Change in physical appearance – Feeling comfortable in a relationship is great, but sometimes changes can affect the sexual interest of a partner. When someone has stopped putting out all the bells and whistles that they donned when dating, the partner may not have the same attraction.
  • Physical changes – Sometimes, there can be physiological reasons that decreased attraction happens. Hormonal issues, medications, mental health issues or age can all play a role in decreased attraction. If you’re not attracted to your partner anymore, is there a physiological reason this could happen?
  • Boredom – Boredom can also cause loss of attraction. People tend to crave novelty, and once there isn’t any, the feeling of familiarity becomes all-encompassing. When people feel bored and stagnant, they easily begin to lose zest for life and also lose attraction to their partner.
  • Merged identities – When you first fall in love with someone, it is because of their unique traits. You should nurture that uniqueness in a relationship too. When people become enmeshed, the natural progression is for sexual attraction to diminish as the result of too much familiarity – cherish your uniqueness so you can value being together.
  • Survival Patterns – You may be drawn to someone simply because their behavior is familiar from your childhood or adolescence, which may not be healthy. For example – they may be abusive. Eventually you wake up and lose attraction.

Can You Love Someone And Not Be Sexually Attracted?

You can definitely be in love even when physical attraction and sexual desire are waning. Love and attraction are two separate things, and while it’s great when they go together, it’s not a complete deal breaker if you’re not as attracted to your partner as you once were.

Maybe you’ve started dating someone and you sense that this may be someone you can picture your life with… except that your feelings don’t include sexual attraction. Sometimes it takes time, trust, and a built sense of safety for those feelings to develop. Hang in there and see if the physical attraction doesn’t develop as emotional intimacy does. If not, you may choose to speak to a relationship therapist or coach.

It’s also common for two people who love each other to lose that physical attractiveness over time. Despite no longer being as physically attracted as they once were, this is not the end of the world and it can definitely get better if the partners are willing to do the relationship work honestly. You just need to admit it, talk about it, and start resolving it.

You can always try emotional intimacy coaching sessions that are held by professional relationship coaches. These sessions can help you and your partner communicate your feelings, convey potential resentment, resolve all those problems and move past them and into a freshly-blossoming and committed relationship.

Can You Regain Attraction For Someone?

Yes, you definitely can reignite the passion in your current relationship. You can take care of some intimacy issues between you and your partner, while other problems require the help of professional coaches.

Before you seek help from a coach or family therapist though, you can always try to do one or several of the following things when attempting to rekindle the flame of intimacy in your relationship.

  1. Face your fears

    First, try to take care of yourself! Your own emotional problems might be causing loss of attraction between you and your partner. Be honest with yourself about your own life issues. Stress, mental health issues, physical health or baggage from your past can all affect the way that you’re attracted to your partner.

  2. Redefine attraction

    There are many different ways in which you can be attracted to your partner, and attraction’s more than skin deep. Emotional and intellectual attraction can also spark intimacy.

  3. Love yourself

    First, learn how to love and accept yourself in order to be able to love and accept your partner.

  4. Remember

    Don’t just focus on the now, go back in time a bit and try to remember what made you fall in love with your partner in the first place.

  5. Connect

    If you’ve started to lose emotional and mental connection to your partner, you should work on reestablishing those connections.

  6. Seek some thrills

    Try to introduce some excitement to your relationship by going on adventures together. Focus on where you can bring novelty and freshness outside of the sex life.

  7. Learn the language of love

    All individuals have preferences in the way they like to be loved. Some enjoy acts of service, others physical contacts, while some like words of affirmation. Try to translate your feelings into your partner’s language. Plan a date night that incorporates both of your love languages.

  8. Be independent

    Don’t harbor resentment if your partner is not able to meet all your emotional needs. It’s unrealistic to expect so. Allow yourself to have friends and interests outside of your relationship.

  9. Try intimacy coaching

    Sometimes, all you do can fail in reigniting a physical relationship. But there’s no reason to despair. You can always contact experienced coaches who can help you and your partner feel emotionally and physically connected again, reviving your physical relationship in the process.

There are many things you can try in order to regain attraction to someone. Many people think that as time passes and the attraction is gone, so is the love. Often partners are disillusioned to realize that they don’t stay forever in the “hot zone.” They may jump from relationship to relationship and they are quick to give up once they realize they have become less attracted to their partners.

Other times, partners are afraid to talk about sex and trudge along, rarely stopping to make the effort to understand why their attraction fades. They remember being sexually attracted in the beginning, but are afraid of the effort required to change. They think that the diminished sex satisfaction is normal, and they may deny the sadness or loneliness they are feeling. They are resigned to the experience of no longer feeling attracted to their person.

But that doesn’t have to be the case. Intimacy can also require work, and if you truly love someone you should do all you can to work it out.

The short answer is that help is available!

Who Provides The Best Relationship Intimacy Coaching Sessions?

What Causes Loss Of Attraction?

Losing attraction to your partner is extremely difficult, and it can make you question your entire relationship. Even when the love is still there, you can easily start doubting everything. However, it doesn’t have to be that grim, and you have to know there are ways to resolve emotional and physical intimacy problems in a relationship.

One of the best ways to deal with the loss of attraction is to try relationship intimacy coaching. At PIVOT, we organize specialized relationship retreats and workshops, and we also arrange individual sessions with a team of seasoned relationship advocates.

We might work with you as a couple, work with each of you individually, or both! If you are reading this, it’s a sign that you’re willing to put in the effort to find solutions. You don’t have to go on feeling the way you feel. Help is here. Reach out to us today and let us help your relationship thrive again.