Here’s to Homecomings
I remember in 1990 when John Bradshaw released his book Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. When I first looked through this book, the pain that lived inside me prevented me from digging deep into a healing process for my childhood trauma. Unfortunately, the book sat on my shelf unread for way too long.
When I now think of Homecoming and reclaiming my inner child, I can’t imagine my life today without having done this life-affirming work. This is the case not only for the sake of my inner child but also for my inner teen and adult self who all needed useful resources and corrective experiences to allow me to re-parent the trauma and drama that used to guide my relational life.
The meaning of homecoming for me today is also a way to re-experience a relationship, situation, and/or location. The Universe has gifted me with just that over the past few months.
Back to Our Roots: Welcome to Our New Home
To accommodate our growth and the need for an even greater healing environment, this homecoming includes the celebration of the new Glass House in our beautiful location. We landed on land we know very well. Our new home is near Five Sisters Ranch on Longhorn Lane in Petaluma where I began creating what is now PIVOT. We are excited to announce that we are back to our roots on Longhorn Lane. In fact- right next door! And, these doors are open to all of you!
Being back in Petaluma, I sense new energy and an appreciation for what I experienced in that town many years ago – long before Five Sisters Ranch. I was living there when I witnessed my second major deep attachment wound, which was the death of my mother when I was in high school. I recently did deeper work around letting go of what was not mine to heal and releasing the guilt and shame I carried because of the relationship I had with my mother, which I describe in my book #HealthyAdult. Being on this land at this point in my life, I can FEEL the difference and especially the love that was offered to me many years ago – a welcomed homecoming. For those of you who have worked the PIVOT process, you will get this statement: It’s Not About The Town!
Think Better. Feel Better. Live Better.
Each day on my drive to work listening to songs of the past, like The Marshall Tucker Band, I feel re-energized to continue to build this amazing team of coaches that are helping so many people Think Better, Feel Better, and Live Better!
There are many other “360” moments I am experiencing that would take too long to describe here. Know this: When we are presented with an opportunity to experience something familiar with a new lens, we CAN approach it with a growth mindset from everything we have learned from our past experiences and how we are showing up today. We can witness the change in our behavior and mindset.
A Look Inside
We’re excited to present the May issue of PIVOTworks. Get to know PIVOT Coach London Reber. Among London’s keys to success was her burning desire to learn all she could about the PIVOT process and then promptly incorporate this empowering curriculum into her life. Meet 19-year-old PIVOT client, Christian, who has a better understanding of why he does what he does through working the PIVOT process, along with acquiring tools to build a healthier lifestyle. Check out last month’s PIVOT Poll results – and check out our What’s Happening section to find out what’s going on under the expansive PIVOT umbrella.
Our first intensive at our new location will be on May 23rd! We are also now offering Personalized PIVOTS for Individuals, Couples, and Families or for anyone else interested in learning how to live their best life at any age. We welcome all of you into our new home to begin or continue your healing journey!
PIVOT Coach London Reber
PIVOT Offers Actionable Solutions for Relational Boundaries
“When I was first introduced to the PIVOT process, I dove in as deeply as possible to absorb everything I possibly could. By the time I became a PIVOT coach, it was already an integral part of me – and my life. PIVOT offers a proven path to healing through its powerful curriculum while allowing clients to fill in the curriculum with their own unique colors,” says PIVOT Coach London Reber.
We’re All Worthy
Growing up with a younger sister with Down’s syndrome, London learned early on that everyone has special needs. “We’re all beautiful in our own way – and each one of us has our own special and unique needs. While mine might look different than yours, we’re all worthy. By practicing PIVOT, I learned what my personal needs were and moved from seeking outside validation to feeling secure in meeting my own needs.”
PIVOT, she explains, is a process that provides tools to become the best version of yourself. “PIVOT is the way I thrive and shine as a woman. It’s different from the other roles I play in my life, including wife, mother, daughter, and friend. The PIVOT process allows me to show up for these roles in healthier ways. My bucket of self-esteem and purpose is distinctly filled up when I share PIVOT with my clients.” London’s 73-year-old mom attended the Five-Day Relational Retreat at the Glass House last year and London says that doing this work individually has connected them more as a family.
Although she leads quite a busy life – London is married to Todd and mom to 9-year-old Sienna, four-year-old Michaela, 10-month-old Zen and doggie Jaxon – London is a big advocate of self-care. She maintains a long list of practices that keep her motivated and empowered throughout the day. “I take time to observe the miracles of nature amongst the city landscape; hit the pause button to give me that bumper between reaction and response; slow down to ask people how they’re doing before jumping into business, and put my phone away to enjoy moments with my loved ones,” adds London, who is also Vice President of the PTA and a Girl Scout troop leader.
She embraces many of PIVOT’s motivational slogans to shift her perspective and create compassion. Some of London’s favorite sayings include: “Simple is Our Superpower,” “Follow Your Heart but Take Your Brain With It,” and “Don’t Get Mad, Get Curious.” By using PIVOT’s “hand on heart” practice, she is reminded that her healthy adult is onboard and here for her.
Another distinctive role that London held was Miss California United States in 2012 where she was crowned Miss Congeniality at the National pageant… Think 2000… Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. She was also All Bay Area Female Athlete of the Year in 2002 before graduating from Northgate High School and served as Philanthropy Chair of Alpha Phi sorority while attending CSU, Long Beach. Says London: “I’ve always been passionate about bettering my community and finding creative ways to support the success of others.”
Life is Better with Boundaries
By utilizing PIVOT’s actionable tools, London is embracing more fulfilling relationships. The process has given her a method to interact with the people in her life effectively. “Before PIVOT, I often felt hurt because I had unrealistic expectations of other people’s behavior. By learning to keep the people in my life in the appropriate relational circle boundaries, I can relate to them in a way that’s realistic without expecting them to behave like someone they’re not.”
PIVOT, says London, has brought more joy and happiness into her life. “Although I’ve been sober for over a decade,” says London, “PIVOT has given me the ability to elevate my emotional sobriety. I now enjoy healthier relationships in all aspects of my life, including the one with myself.”
Our Clients Say It Best:
PIVOT Empowers Christian with Tools for a Healthy Mindset
At 19 years old, Christian came to PIVOT with what he says is “a lot of problems “- considerable stress, anxiety, self-detrimental thoughts, and depressing moments. He explains that he has always been better in dealing with logic as opposed to his emotions.
Tools of the Trade
“Before PIVOT, I didn’t have any real tools to deal with the trauma I experienced in my life. I tended to bottle up my emotions, heavily repressing emotions like aggression. And I also tended to bottle down happiness,” adds Christian, who learned of PIVOT through his mother and attended two Personalized PIVOTS – a duo with his mother and one individualized PIVOT.
Working with a PIVOT coach is helping Christian stay on track. “It’s helpful to have a third party who isn’t associated with other aspects of your life and who is there to listen and offer support. I can really relate to AJ, my coach because he has experienced many of the same things I have. Gaining a new perspective from someone who has gone through much of the same things you have is very valuable. AJ definitely has my back.”
Parts of Self
Through the PIVOT process, Christian has also gotten to know his parts of self – the essence of his child, teen, adult – and his healthy adult. “Learning about my parts of self has helped me have productive conversations with my dad, who left when I was around 10. I had bad abandonment issues. When I was younger, I wanted to fit in and when I felt I still couldn’t fit in as I grew older, I stopped even trying. I developed a negative view of myself and came to believe I was the problem.”
Through hard work and perseverance, Christian has rekindled his relationship with his father, strengthened his relationship with his mother, and has developed a self-care regimen. Today, he joins his father in woodwork projects; creates masterpieces with Legos; heads to the gym, and is learning to cook healthy meals.
For the Long Run
In the long run, Christian’s goal is to go after whatever he wants without any hesitation or reservations. “My goal,” adds Christian, “is to become healthier in all ways. I ultimately want to achieve a mindset that allows me to go after what I want without doubting myself or talking myself out of it. I want to be able to have the self-esteem to stick to long-term goals without ever giving up. I want to do what makes me happy and healthy. PIVOT is helping me get there.”
Christian is proof that it’s never too early OR too late to transform your life!
Speaking of Relationships:
Ask Lori Jean
My relationship with my wife has been challenging. She is emotional and I feel like we spend our free time processing our relationship. I want to be in the relationship – not constantly work on the relationship. What do you think I should do?
I like this question and it makes sense that you would rather enjoy the relationship than work on it all the time. Sounds dreadful to have to “work” at something that should be more automatic. Part of the reason this is happening is the expectation each of you has about what marriage means and represents.
I’m curious: Did you think that once you found a partner and got married you’d be settled? Find a wife, buy a ring, move in and your goal is achieved forever. Perhaps your optimal relationship looks like this: Occasional talks, sex, meals together, and someone to come home to who is happy and who appreciates all he has done for them. Your partner will cheer you on towards success and avoid criticizing you at all costs. All of that is healthy – however, it’s important to also look at what she may need.
For some women (not all), marriage often represents a new beginning. Perhaps this describes your wife. Meet, fall in love, get married, and grow together. The goal: Deepen the connection and then build a safe and secure family together. The optimal relationship from this perspective looks like this: Someone to talk deeply with, shared trust and emotional intimacy, safety for self and children, a lover who desires her and no one else, and someone who will help with the kids and the dishes and doesn’t mind his girl being emotional at times. He also needs to be able to listen as she talks things through without trying to offer her solutions or fix her problems.
Keep in mind that sometimes the above roles can be reversed! Neither partner can really rest and enjoy the relationship until it resembles more of what each partner needs. However, both are hesitant to give the other what they want if they believe the other isn’t willing to do the same. The expectations they each have for the other can create gridlock and frustrations as they are working towards different goals.
Deepen the Connection
Since your wife wants to constantly work on the relationship, it is possible that she is in the “deepen the connection” phase. And this is positive. She’s trying to build a strong foundation for both of you. You can work smarter and not harder by trying these few tips to help you both enjoy what you have together:
Reframe your definition of the relationship. We meet partners all the time who believe “If it’s not broken, then don’t fix it.” This certainly works with car engines but not with coupleships. Being in a good relationship with your wife is more like building strong muscles than owning a car.
If you wait for your marriage to break down before you attend to it, the “fix” may be too little too late. Couples who wait for problems before they tend to their marriages often wind up in immense pain that can lead to betrayals and divorce court ($$$$). Successful couples see their relationship as a source of strength, success, and safety for both of them so they water it, weed it and take care of it like a lush garden rather than leave it alone to let it wither like an unwatered houseplant that is neglected and dried out.
Good relationships are built and enjoyed if you think of them as building lean muscle mass: When you go to the gym, lift heavy weights, eat the right foods, and keep a routine going you get the payoff of feeling strong and looking hot. A strong marriage also requires a regular routine and commitment to its growth if you want the rewards of a great relationship: A partner who loves and admires you, engages in physical intimacy, mutual trust, and wants a successful life together.
Consider asking your wife what a “workout routine” for your partnership would look like to her. Does she want to get a coach to stay ahead of any big problems? Would she like to have a date night once a week? Is she interested in having you both read a certain book about healthy relationships? Does she want to talk more at the beginning or end of the day? If so, consider all of these things to be a training schedule and the protein powder of a kick-ass marriage. Get your rest, because relationally speaking, you’re about to get swole!
We’re here to help. Have a question for a pivot coach? Please submit to [email protected]
Healthy Adult 2.0: Among many other advantages, get to know your parts of self in an even more divine, deeper and delightful way at Healthy Adult 2.0 that’s scheduled for June 2022. Call today to reserve YOUR spot to keep your healthy adult shining. And, you will be in our new location!
Down the Aisle:
PIVOT I Do: Forget the toaster oven and waffle maker. This wedding season, gift your favorite couple with a “PIVOT I Do,” so they can further expand and deepen their intimacy before the BIG day. Help them start their lives off on the right track by providing an empowering process for them to understand each other’s relational attachment styles – and much more. Contact us to learn more and to schedule a “PIVOT I Do” before any knots are tied.
The Highest Degree:
PIVOT for Grads: Celebrate and invest in your beloved grad with the gift of PIVOT. There’s no better way to help your brilliant loved one realize a bright and healthy future than with a powerful action plan to optimize their relationships – and their lives. We’d also like to congratulate each and every grad on this important milestone. Do your homework and reserve YOUR spot today.
Grief and Loss Personalized PIVOTs: If you are grieving the loss of a relationship, friendship, job, etc., join PIVOT coach and Amazon bestseller author of Grief is Good, Cindy Finch, for a day focused on the one-and-only YOU. Processing and understanding your grief can be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. When we stuff it, minimize it, or take it out on others, it can create unhealthy patterns and bring about even more grief.
Call Kayla in Admissions for more details! 855-452-0707