The Secret to Having Healthy Relationships After Experiencing Painful Relationships

Anyone with a traumatic childhood often experiences painful relationships and emotional hurt in adulthood.

This was my experience.

I wanted to live a happy and healthy life, but, at the time, I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t know how to manage the pain from my traumatic past that often surfaced in my current relationships.

If this you, then there is a way to have healthy relationships and to heal your hurt. Changing our ways is rarely easy, but it can certainly be done with effective emotional intimacy coaching.

What is relational freedom?

I call this relational freedom… when you experience life and relationships from a healthy alignment and can manage and tolerate uncomfortable emotions while maintaining self-care.

It doesn’t mean that sometimes you won’t get hurt. Or never feel intense emotions again.

It’s about having a choice to stop and acknowledge what you feel and understand where those feelings come from instead of behaving in an old pattern.

It’s about having the freedom to choose taking action that won’t harm you or other people.

How can you achieve relational freedom?

The first step is to pay attention to the actions that you would normally take when different emotions are triggered.

For me, for example, I noticed that my wounds would get activated in situations that weren’t even troubling. I began looking at how I could shift, or pivot, away from that part of myself that was getting activated, towards a healthier action – which I call relational or relationship alignment.

Relational alignment is the process of thinking (good rational thinking), feeling (high level of emotional intelligence) and doing (healthy actions) with congruency. And it is doing these in alignment that leads to healthy actions.

I used this internal process to pivot from my old way of thinking, feeling and behaving to a healthier action.

The most important part of this process for me was learning that even though I got triggered with my abandonment issues that I could still care for and love myself. I didn’t need to make anyone responsible for my pain.

Overcoming Relationship Challenges & Achieving Relational Freedom

I admit, this process isn’t easy. But learning to do this set me free from my old survival patterns.

To use the relational alignment process, start by asking yourself:

  • Do my feelings make logical sense to me?
  • Do my actions align with what I’m feeling?
  • Do my actions align with what I’m thinking?

This will help you think, feel and do in a healthier way, so you can be free to attach to others without feeling like the victim or taking others hostage. The result is a healthy adult.

It’s About Making Healthy Choices

To test if you are moving towards being a healthy adult, ask these questions of yourself:

  • What part of me can make healthier choices in relationship with myself and others?
  • What part of me can say yes or no?
  • What are my healthy choices right now?
  • What emotions am I feeling, and do I take responsibility for them?
  • Can I continue to take care of myself no matter if I’m in an uncomfortable or complicated situation?

These questions are the foundation for living as a healthy adult.

The good news, when you have the foundation for living as a healthy adult, then you can achieve relational alignment and attach securely and healthily to others… no matter what childhood challenges you’ve faced.

As a healthy adult, you choose to make healthy choices even though you may be in a situation that would normally trigger you and activate your survival patterns. It is having the freedom to make these choices that leads to a healthy attachment to others.

Relational Freedom: What It Really Means

Relational freedom comes from relational alignment. It means that if you can think, feel and do in a healthy and congruent way, then you can attach to others in a healthy way.

In other words, you’re free to be who you are and make healthier relationship choices, which is the definition of relational freedom.

With relational freedom, you have a higher level of consciousness. You are more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. This means you can make the best choices for you.

This gives you the safety of connecting in a healthy way and building deep relationships.

And if relationship challenges occur, you can create healthy solutions, instead of running away from situations or being triggered to react.

The result, life becomes more joyful, loving, healthy and easier because you are aware of what you need to do to take care of yourself. And you choose to have healthy connections.

Understand Yourself With #1 Emotional Intimacy Coaching

I know this process may seem like hard work. However, if you take the time to go through the process, then you will have a deep understanding of yourself and what needs to change. The good news is that no matter what childhood experiences you had, you can create healthy relationships with some courage and perhaps some relationship intimacy coaching exercises.

If you want help to move away from old patterns and create relational alignment and freedom, then contact PIVOT. We’re here to help you with all your relationship struggles, whether you’re afraid that your partner doesn’t love you, want to know if love is all a relationship needs, or struggle with being emotionally intimate with your partner.

At PIVOT, we render transformative relationship coaching for individuals and couples and hold intensive couples retreats at The Glass House, our residential facility that provides a comfortable environment for facilitating positive change. Reach out to us today!