This post was updated on Nov 29, 2022
Reconciliation after a separation or breakup is one of those highly personal experiences that people have diverging opinions about. Some people wouldn’t get back with an ex-partner because they firmly believe that people can’t change, and if the relationship failed once, it failed for a reason.
There are also those couples that seem to be breaking up and getting back together almost every couple of weeks. However, assuming that most of us don’t belong to these extreme cases – how can we tell when relationships are worth saving and working patiently on repairing?
The main fact to take into consideration is why the breakup happened in the first place. Some people simply fall out of love, while others hurt their partners terribly, causing irreparable damage to their relationship. Some individuals get cheated on, having to decide if this is something they can forgive and whether they can restore the broken trust. There are also the very extreme cases of physical and verbal abuse, and in such cases of domestic violence, for most, reconciliation isn’t an option.
For now, let’s focus on the more common examples of marital crisis and separation with the intent to reconcile. What is it that makes some couples stay together while others split up? Sometimes, a separation can even save marriage because it provides both partners with the opportunity to see what their lives would look like without each other, and it also gives them the time to explore their feelings, needs, and expectations. This way they can come back to the relationship and try to do things differently after learning from previous mistakes.
What Are The Signs That My Partner Wants To Reconcile?
After the initial stress of separation, when things calm down a bit and partners start communicating in a healthy and productive way, signs of reconciliation become visible relatively soon, most commonly within a year or two. If the separation lasts longer without much contact between ex-partners, the chances of getting back together become significantly lower.
If you went into separation with the intent to reconcile some of the common signs that can lead you to the conclusion that your partner is willing and ready for reconciliation and a more committed relationship include:
- Communication during the separation; both partners are listening to each other more carefully and responding more thoughtfully.
- The main problems have been identified, addressed, and/or fixed.
- If the reason for your separation was an affair, the unfaithful partner shows sincere remorse and regret. The other partner shows that they’re ready to forgive and move on.
- Your partner often brings up happy memories you shared during your time together.
- Your ex-partner misses you and is not scared of expressing it.
- They don’t have unrealistic expectations of you or your relationship.
- They’re coming to you for support when they need it and are open about their feelings.
- You start spending time together again, and they find various reasons to talk to you, meet you, and spend time with you.
- You can notice positive changes in your ex-partner’s behavior; they’re in a good mood when you’re spending time together and are genuinely happy to see you, or they might be even flirting with you.
- They ask mutual friends about you.
How Do I Know If Reconciliation Is A Good Idea?
Even though reconciliation is possible in most relationships, it won’t happen on its own. This means that something needs to change. Positive change doesn’t just happen. Both partners need to show the will and commitment to make things work. And if this keeps happening consistently over time, some common ground can start appearing again and you can use it to rebuild your relationship.
If you’re not sure whether reconciling is a good idea, start by carefully examining your feelings. Try to be honest about what your relationship is. Can it be held together by love, trust, and commitment to one another and shared goals in life? If you want your partner back, what are the reasons for wanting them back?
Many people make the mistake of reconciling with their former partners because they feel lonely and they are not used to being alone. Ask yourself what has changed in your relationship. Did both of you change for the better? There’s no point in getting back together if nothing has changed. You will likely end up in the same relational loop.
If you’re dealing with a love-avoidant partner, reconciliation might be harder even if they do show all the signs of wanting to reconcile. Love avoidance is particularly difficult because it means that your partner needs to deal with personal issues beyond your relationship. People exhibiting love avoidance traits usually have difficulty trusting other people and tend to pull away from intimate relationships because underneath it all – they’re scared of getting hurt.
If this is the case with you or your partner, individual therapy would be recommended before getting back into an already failing relationship. The underlying issues of one’s inability to form healthy relationships with other people must be addressed before they can start working on their romantic relationship.
How Do I Need To Approach Reconciliation With My Partner?
Statistics show that most average separations last about 6 to 8 months. During this time both partners can take a step back, calm down and examine their actions and feelings more objectively.
If you’re determined to get back together, you need to remind yourself what it was that made you choose one another as partners. This means talking about how you feel and what it is that you want from your relationship in the future.
If you’re sure that getting back with your partner is what you want and are now wondering how to reconcile after a separation, you might want to show them that you’re aware of your mistakes and shortcomings and that you also understand theirs and can forgive them. If you’re the one whose actions caused the separation, you might have to show sensitivity and understanding for the pain your partner is experiencing and allow them sufficient time to heal.
You both need to make an effort to listen to each other without judgment, so you can feel safe expressing your feelings. Commit to respecting your partner’s needs and opinions, and taking them into consideration in everyday life.
PIVOT Can Help You Reconcile With Your Partner After A Period Of Separation
Before taking any specific action or making any grand gestures, be sure that reconciling with your partner is what you really want and for the right reasons. This means getting to know yourself better and getting in touch with your feelings and needs. If you feel like your partner can respond to those needs in a way that would make you happy, and that you can do the same for them, you can begin the process of reconciliation.
You can take your time to explore your thoughts and emotions, and you can do so with professional help and guidance. Attending an individualized Glass House retreat can help you shut out the noise of the outside world and dive into yourself. Relationships require trust and trusting another person means learning to trust yourself first. You can emerge stronger, self-sufficient, and independent, and therefore capable of forming healthy relationships based on love and mutual respect.